Parody: IDF COS and CENTCOM Commander Discuss Lebanon Ceasefire
Dr. Aaron Lerner 25 November 2024

Participants:
• Lieutenant General Aviv Kochavi, Chief of Staff of the Israel Defense Forces (IDF)
• General Michael “Erik” Kurilla, Commander of United States Central Command (CENTCOM)

Setting: A secure video conference room. The IDF Chief of Staff, Aviv, and the CENTCOM Commander, Erik, are speaking candidly. Both are relaxed but clearly frustrated with the situation.

Aviv (IDF Chief of Staff):
Erik, good to see you. I wish it were under better circumstances. So, tell me, are we really going to pretend this “resiliency and viability” thing is something we believe in?

Erik (CENTCOM Commander):
Aviv, good to see you too. And no, I’m not about to start pretending now. This whole thing feels like a house of cards built on quicksand. Honestly, who comes up with this stuff?

Aviv:
Probably someone who’s never had to deal with a Hezbollah operative hiding a rocket launcher under his kid’s bed. They’re asking us to sign off on a plan that puts the Lebanese Army—a force we both know has more leaks than a rusty submarine—right up against my border.

Erik:
And let’s not forget, some of those “army personnel” might as well be wearing Hezbollah t-shirts. You’re telling me they’re going to stop weapons smuggling? Aviv, come on.

Aviv:
Exactly. And then there’s this genius idea of “rebuilding villages.” Sure, let’s rebuild their homes and give them nice hiding spots for their next stash of rockets. All under the guise of humanitarian aid. I can already hear the excuses: “Oh, we didn’t know the cement was going to an underground bunker.”

Erik:
(Laughs) And then it’ll be our fault for “overreacting” when we discover the bunker. Aviv, I can see the headlines now: “Israeli Aggression Destroys Civilian Infrastructure.” It’s like déjà vu.

Aviv:
Erik, you think you’ll be off the hook? No chance. The moment an American observer shows up at one of these villages, Hezbollah will roll out the red carpet for a media circus. “Look, CENTCOM endorses our peaceful efforts.” And God forbid one of your guys actually tells the truth about what’s going on there—Washington will crucify him.

Erik:
Oh, I know. I’ve been in those meetings. The political folks want to sell this ceasefire as the next Camp David, and the last thing they want is a report from CENTCOM saying, “This isn’t going to work.” They’ll expect me to spin this into something it’s not.

Aviv:
Erik, I’ve got my own pressure. If I tell Netanyahu that this plan is unworkable, they’ll accuse me of being a warmonger. But if I go along with it and this thing blows up—literally—it’s on me.

Erik:
Same here. If I sign off and things go south, it’s, “Why didn’t CENTCOM see this coming?” And if I refuse to sign off, they’ll say I’m not a team player. Either way, we’re stuck.

Aviv:
(Sighs) The crazy part is, we both know how this ends. Hezbollah rebuilds, re-arms, and in a year—or less—we’re right back here, only with more rockets pointed at my cities. And this time, we’ll have to clean up a much bigger mess.

Erik:
Yeah, and it won’t just be you cleaning it up. If this spirals, the U.S. gets dragged in deeper, trying to manage a “peace” that never really existed.

Aviv:
So, what do we do? They want a letter saying this is viable. Can we, in good conscience, give them that?

Erik:
Not a chance. I’m not going to be the guy who signs off on this and pretends it’s all rainbows and unicorns. I can’t send that to President Biden.

Aviv:
And I’m not sending anything to Netanyahu. Let them negotiate their political victory. Just leave us out of it.

Erik:
Agreed. Let’s just say we need “more time to assess.” That buys us a few weeks, at least.

Aviv:
Sounds like a plan. Erik, always a pleasure to vent with someone who gets it.

Erik:
Same here, Aviv. Let’s just hope we’re wrong about how bad this will get—but I’m not holding my breath.

Aviv:
(Laughs) Me neither. Take care, Erik.

Erik:
You too, Aviv.

End of Video Call.


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